Yep, two bacons in a row. Shut up! It’s my damn website and I’ll do what I want. If you don’t like it get your own damn site!

I’ve seen this stuff in a few online stores but never quite in this form. Sometime back my buddy Wyatt shows up with a can of this shat-tastic stuff. Wait, tactical bacon? It’s supposed to be pork and it has a picture of a gun on the front. Have we discovered the perfect infidel weapon to fight terrorism? It just so happens that this stuff showed up from Wyatt Jr. who has spent his share of time playing in the world’s largest sandbox and has a pretty good grasp on what it takes to fight terror. It’s like the best IED on the planet because instead of harm it brings a shower of smoked and cured joy and happiness! Can I get a “hoorah”!I truly love the irony of the picture of an automatic weapon just above a poorly spelled quote…have you ever seen anything more American? I venture to say that you have not! Every can of anything ever made would be better if you received bacon upon opening it. Think about it. You’ve just run a marathon and you crack open a frosty beverage only to be served a refreshing serving of baconade! The ingredients look like the same ingredients listed on the back of any commercial bacon so maybe there is hope for this after all.


I remove the top of the can and am presented with thick cap of fat that promises to coat the esophagus thus easing the delivery of swine to my gullet. I have to admit that the initial impression isn’t a very good one and once the load drops from the can…it doesn’t get much better.


I empty out the contents and I find a pig and paper wrapped little sleeping bag of death. What better presentation for tactical pork products than that of a bed roll, or should I say funeral shroud? Maybe it is an omen of my future convalescing during an upcoming personal battle against reverse peristalsis. I open up the bed roll to see all my little piggies asleep in a row. The time has come to liberate the potential of the coming porkappocalypse.


The initial mouth feel is heavy on the fat coating as one would expect. After you get past that…holy shit! I have discovered where Wendy’s gets their bacon. Seriously! Is it the best bacon I’ve ever had? Hell no. Is it acceptable??? You bet it is. I’m not kidding when I say that it tastes like Wendy’s bacon. I am seriously flummoxed by this one. I seriously expected to be repelled by this one. Once again I am taught the life lesson of embracing what I fear so that it may bring me hapiness and contentment.

Time to give my tasting buddy a little try (Ok, just a little…this crap is expensive as hell).

Well, there you have it, canned bacon. It’s astounding that not only does it not taste bad but you can fight terror with it. That’s right kids. I’m putting out a call to arms. How can you fight the war on terror? How can you help liberate the masses from fear? There is but one universal way that we can all appreciate. Say it with me and say it loud, “EAT PORK”… (even if it is canned and questionable).
You might be saying, “But Rich, I’m a vegetarian and don’t eat pork…what about me?”. Well, I hate to break it to you vegetarians but, you unknowingly sided with the terrorists. The time has come for you to compromise your lofty morals, crawl down out of your tower and join us in the piggy drenched glory of the unwashed masses. Bathe in the rendered fat of our swinetastic brethren and revel in the glory it bestows upon you! (please…save your hate mail unless you feel really compelled then by all means send it, it’s really fun reading.)
A very special thanks goes out to Wyatt…stay strong buddy!